1. I'm Cranky. With a capital C.
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| my angel |
I've gone through all the logical excuses: PMS? Probably. I think. I'm not on the pill & forgot how to keep track other than with pills. Breastfeeding hormone swing? Possibly... as with everything else boob-related, I'm sure there's a mood-swing phase I have to go through while weaning, and it's officially been 3 full days since the last time Oliver nursed. I haz a big, big sad over this, but I can't dwell on it, because I can't see that doing any good for anybody.
I feel like I missed this big window of when staying home would have been "necessary" or "for the best" and now am starting to just feel selfish over the whole thing.
2. I think I may have a body image problem. About two years ago, if you had asked me what my ideal weight goal would be, I'd have said 135 pounds. That's the weight I thought I should be... if I weighed that, I'd feel good about myself. Right now, I weigh 133 pounds. Yet when I look in the mirror I don't see any difference. I mean, yeah, my clothes were FALLING OFF (seriously, I needed some new pants because I tripped over them so many times.) I now have two pairs that fit & are acceptable for work that are size 6. I'm not bragging, just saying, because I still don't see that version of myself I thought I would.
I'm thinking maybe I don't see it because I didn't work for it. I mean, after I delivered Oliver, the weight just came off, and kept coming off. I couldn't eat much at the end of my pregnancy, and for a while after I forgot both how to eat and to eat period (I know this is common.) So I guess with my new eating style and the "extra" 500 calories burned per day producing breastmilk I just slimmed down somehow. People comment all the time on how skinny I am, but I guess the problem is that (most of the time) I just don't feel attractive.
3. I'm having trouble being motivated for more than one thing at a time. I'm planning Oliver's birthday party, making sure I spend QT with Nick, tackling debt, blogging, keeping up on the house, but it's like one thing per day. If I spend time thinking about the party, then I feel like I'm not giving Nick enough time & attention. If I spend a Saturday with my guys, just soaking in the family, I feel like I should have carved out some time to clean or pay bills. And blogging ALWAYS feels like a guilty pleasure, no matter how supportive my awesome husband is.
Sara-
ReplyDeleteYou are the best wife and mom I know. You are trying so hard to keep all your balls in the air and its working. Don't let a little speed bump get you down. Looking back on our friendship and growing together through the years, I can't say I've ever seen you happier with your life. You have the dream! You have a wonderful relationship with your husband, and one of the most beautiful babies I've ever seen (besides my own of course Im biased). Seriously, you know me, Im not just kissing your butt here....lol. Life with children is constantly changing, and this is just the introduction to a new phase...Change is hard, but I know Ollie will take those first steps and make those first words and you will feel elated and realize its ALL worth it in the end. Try to focus on the positive coming your way, and know that we miss and love you guys even though we are far away.
PS. I have steps all over my house and can;t lose a pound...I totally empathize with your body issues problem right now! LOL.
Yeah it's friggin hard to be superwoman, superwife, supermom. HARD. You're definitely not alone with your thoughts. HUGS- and Happy Friday/Weekend!! :)
ReplyDeleteoh honey. Stop. You are awesome. And as for the weight thing, it was actually very similar for me. I'm sure you look great but maybe you need to stop and take a Sara moment and go get a pedi. Or some new makeup. Super vain no? But for real. Whatever makes you feel good.
ReplyDeleteJust do what works and stop worrying about the rest. Because it's that easy ;-)
Thanks ladies, you're the best!
ReplyDeleteI didn't mean to sound so depressed in that post. I actually don't feel BAD about how I look, but was just finding it odd that I'm not as happy with myself as I thought I'd be...
Anyhow, I appreciate the solidarity, sisters!
Big hugs mama!
ReplyDeletei wrote a comment and it disappeared so this is a test before i pour out my feelings again
ReplyDeletei love how you put into words the way we all feel about ouselves sometimes. it is not selfish to stay home and you will never look back and wish you had gone to work. if you guys can swing it do it every day of his life is another window. love you
ReplyDeleteI'm RIGHT THERE with you right now. I've got issues. I know some of the reasons why, but I feel very "out of it" and like I don't know who I am sometimes. All I can do is take it one day at a time. And I suffered (suffer...present, I guess) same weight issue...the weight came right off and everyone's like "Wow! Amazing!" and I'm like...I didn't do anything and I still don't feel myself, so it's not the greatest thing ever, really. I still have this body image and I hate how people make me feel guilty for either (1) being skinny so early after pregnancy or (2) getting mad at me b/c I do have a body image and they don't think I should just because being down weight is all that matters (totally untrue!) Issues...we all have them...and don't know what to do with them. But at least we're all together!
ReplyDeleteThanks again!
ReplyDeletemichele - love you too.
Cici - you said it. Seriously, just because I'm "small" now doesn't mean I should automatically feel like a million bucks!